It’s that time of the year again, for me to take out 12 months of frustration on the worst pieces of trash that took a minimum of 20 hours out of my life. Now I have to note that there were a lot of bad movies in 2017 but only a select handful of them actually made me upset watching them. So a few films you won’t see on the list like Fifty Shades Darker and Wish Upon which were obviously bad movies, but had an enjoyment factor over how bad those movies were. The films that made this list has no enjoyment factor, they are human trash. Here is the list of Top 10 worst movies of 2017 with some Honorable Mentions.
Kicking this list off is a film from back in February called A Cure For Wellness. A film that thought it could win some points using the ‘Style over substance’ defense and ended up being one of the biggest bombs of 2017. 146 minutes this film was…Why? For a story about some punk kid with a punchable face trying to bring his boss home from Dr. Gero’s house in Switzerland? The first hour is dreadful, every character is unlikable, the dialogue is shockingly bad, and the story is simply boring. What’s frustrating about this film is that there is at least an hour of good material here but you can’t look past the Eurotrash attempt at gothic horror you feel watching this film. A Cure For Wellness is a Boring bummer of a movie to kick off the top 10.
Space Illegals…This is a thing. In the year 2150, a future so advanced and happy yet DACA is still an issue, two leading stars with the most punchable faces in the business on both the male and female side respectively come together in the least believable romance of the entire year. We have finally found a love story that isn’t better than Twilight. Cara Delevingne has X-Pac heat with me and someone thought having her carry a $200 million summer blockbuster was a good idea. The film uses big pretty lights and colors to distract you from the fact that the two people who have no business leading a food truck are driving this vehicle in the dirt. Thank god for French tax breaks or else Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets would have been the biggest box office disaster of the year.
A movie where Amy Schumer plays herself aka an emotionally immature woman pushing 40? Well, I’m stunned this film didn’t do as well as she expected. This is probably the most forgettable film of the year. This is the typical form of comedy we see coming out of Hollywood these days. All the men are crayon eating morons who can’t function in society without women and the women are out to prove they are just as strong as men, but they go about proving it by trying to emulate the same masculinity they claim to despise. Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn have no chemistry in this poorly edited, poorly written mess. The only thing Snatched in this movie is your money if you paid to see it.
Do I really need to explain why this film is on the list? The Emoji Movie is starring a twat (TJ Miller) voicing the literal ‘Meh’ emoji…That’s it. The biggest insult is that the people who made this movie thought children would want to see this garbage. Hell, I can’t think of a single voice actor in this film I would want to see in a real movie let alone this junk. This movie is Bad Hollywood at it’s finest. When you think of old out of touch Hollywood executives trying to find a way to make money off of kids, this is the movie they create. The Emoji Movie is such a nothing of a movie, it’s not even worth a Google search.
I almost walked out of this movie 10 minutes in and it was hard not to put this film higher on the list. A female director, a female producer, and a female writer proves in 90 minutes that people like them are everything that is wrong with the modern feminist movement. If the Lil Pump cameo or the central plot point of winning the approval of DJ Khaled isn’t enough to send you home, the ever tiring gimmick of Rebel Wilson will. The movie comes up with a flimsy excuse to bring the Bellas back together, which is the entire basis of the film and the conclusion is literally something pulled out of the writers’ butt which causes the film to jump the shark within the first two minutes. Pitch Perfect 3 is lucky not to be in my Top
Weaponized Climate Change…in a film that presented itself as a modern-day Day After Tomorrow what we actually got was weaponized nonsense that would make Roland Emmerich spin in his grave. I give the film credit for having some campy moments but if they didn’t, you would have a perfect case for libertarian policies. The government destroys sovereignty and create a Quadrillion Dollar superweapon that someone in government uses to kill millions of people around the world for political gain. Geostorm has all the elements of shlock without the fun attached to watching it. The perfect way to sum up this film is someone recently learned how CGI works and wanted to make a movie destroying cities and buildings, and that was as far as they planned.
Suburbicon also was known as the ‘George Clooney dun goofed’ movie is probably the most condescending film made in 2017. When your politically charged drama gets torn apart by people on your political side, you pretty much failed on all levels here. A decent story that was started by The Coen Brothers gets a makeover from Clooney that nobody asked for. The advertising for this movie made no note of the racial issues in the film so audiences got a rude awakening unless they knew of his political rants beforehand. With no likable characters, no characters to make any emotional attachment to, and a complete failure at comedy let alone black comedy, which is the main selling point of your film; Suburbicon is basically the Bizarro version of Get Out where everything that was good about that movie is terrible in this one.
I can’t think of a single person who had anything good to say about this movie…none. I don’t care whose Top 10 list you are reading this year, this film is in the top 5 of that list 9/10 times. The Snowman is probably the dullest movie of the year. Michael Fassbender, who is dangerously close to Gerald Butler territory right now will probably fall there once Disney takes over the X-Men franchise. The film tries so hard to be suspenseful that they make it borderline impossible to follow. This film had so many issues with production, it really isn’t a surprise that it turned out the way it did. You have to ask yourself at some point, where do you cut your losses and not spend millions promoting one of the most universally hated movies of the entire year. I hope your phone has YouTube before watching this, that’s the only entertainment you are going to get here.
A little horror film from back in January solidified its ‘worst of the year’ status just days into the new year. I don’t think you can fail this hard at filmmaking if you legit tried. Everything about this film is awful. The actors in this movie have no business in front of a camera, the premise is full potato (If you say ‘Bye Bye Man’, he’ll kill you. Even if you don’t say it, if you hear someone say it, he will still kill you). The film is about as scary as moldy bread and the monster looks like your grandpa buying toilet paper at Walmart at 2 in the morning. I’ve been to many advanced screenings, I’ve never seen an audience audibly groan and complain about how bad the film was as they were exiting the theater. The Bye Bye Man is the worst put together movie of the year hands down, but one film was still more offensive and painful to watch than this.
I tried to watch this movie twice…TWICE and I couldn’t finish it. The first time I could only make it 30 minutes before quitting. The second time I made it a 1 hour in and quit. I still haven’t seen the ending and I don’t care. Rough Night is the worst film I’ve seen since The Haunting of Molly Hartley. The plot is basically 5 women trying to make a Seth Rogen comedy and failing miserably, and I hate Seth Rogen. I legitimately don’t want to see any of these women in a film again after watching this. You have Scarlett Johansson, who can’t save this film with her looks, Jillian Bell, who like Rebel Wilson’s improv gimmick is more past it’s prime than The Undertaker, Ilana Glazer is basically her character from Broad City…who is basically her…who is comedy cancer, Zoë Kravitz offers nothing, and Kate McKinnon gets progressively worse EVERY TIME I SEE HER. This film is everything I hate about modern comedy in Hollywood; Gags about piss, penis pasta, vibrators, drugs, vagina jokes, and hold on, wait for it, written with a ‘feminist’ perspective. This film is nothing more than a 2-hour episode of Broad City and there is a reason why that show is dying on the Comedy Central network, because Paul W. Downs and Lucia Aniello wouldn’t know comedy if it proceeded to get completely naked and started masturbating in front of them. Films like this made by man or woman need to die a painful death and the writers of this crap need to be blacklisted from the business like Hollywood blacklists 27-year-old novice actresses who voted for Trump. Rough Night wins my #1 running away. Come back soon because my top 10 Best Movies of 2017 is on it’s way.
Honorable Mentions For Worst Of 2017