WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I think we’ve reached the point where admitting you have a Anime ‘No Game No Life’ Body Pillow is more dignifying than admitting you are a fan of Fifty Shades of Grey. The series that women love and men can’t understand is back for a second installment (and just so you know, the third movie is already filmed and is coming out next February). When Fifty Shades Of Grey was released in 2015, many female viewers thought they were getting the hottest film ever released, instead what they got was a low rent version of a Cinemax movie that would have saved them about 60 minutes and $13. No way around this one folks, this is your fault, just stop going to them.
Fifty Shades Darker is the story of a whiny, mopey, emo billionaire and his monotone, soulless, boring admin assistant of a girlfriend that will have you begging for Kristen Stewart in their latest break up to make up caper. Apparently Christian got a little rough with Anastasia in the last film and she didn’t like it so she left him. But like any true sociopath, he doesn’t take no for an answer and comes back for a second chance. If Christian Grey was a regular guy, a restraining order and probably a rape charge would have been filed by now, but when you make $24,000 every 15 minutes, you are awarded more opportunities to fuck up that most men wouldn’t be.
There isn’t much of a story with this film and I’m pretty sure most of you wouldn’t care even if I told. The film’s formula is like an EDM song. Everyone jumps around for about a minute, and then everyone stops, then everyone waits for the drop, and then everyone jumps around again. It takes about 10 minutes sober to realize you have done the same thing the over and over again. Fifty Shades Darker is no different. You get 5 minutes of melodrama, 3 minutes of Christian and Anna having dialogue written by an autistic toddler, Christian goes down on her for 2 minutes with some R&B song playing in the background, and then we are right back to the next 5 minutes of melodrama that barely advances the story.
This film tries so hard to create drama that I refuse to believe someone didn’t write this as a comedy because that’s what it is. Joker and Batman had a more believable love story in the Lego Batman Movie than these two clowns. They actually tried to build a back story about Christian’s ‘rough upbringing’ but it literally goes nowhere and get used to that because it happens a lot. There’s an angle with a cartoon character boss who becomes obsessively jealous of Christian for no reason. You have a literal stalking fangirl in the movie, not to mention Kim Basinger, who looks and acts like a tomato.
The film is garbage and you didn’t need me to tell you that. But I had to rant about one part in the film that was so hysterically bad; it sent me into a legitimate laughing fit. Christian is flying his own helicopter back somewhere in Oregon, where suddenly the engine explodes and the chopper falls out of the sky. Anna and his family are back at home watching the news that Christian is missing. Anna is breaking down like she may never see him again and never accepted his marriage proposal. Suddenly news breaks that Christian has been found and literally 3 seconds later, Christian walks in the front door and HE’S FINE…everyone hugs him, leaves, and they start back to talking like nothing ever happened. This was a 5-minute segment of the film and it wasn’t even the ending. This may be the worst attempt at suspense, I’ve ever seen in my life. I was so dumbfounded, I laughed and giggled to myself for the rest of the film and there were STILL 20 minutes left.
The best thing I can say about Fifty Shades Darker is that it is one of the best comedies of 2017. Charlie Hunnam, is probably somewhere spiking the football that he backed out of this franchise before it ruined his career. There aren’t enough buzzwords to describe how bad this is, you simply have to see it to believe it. If you aren’t going to laugh at this film or get some Amazon recommendations for butt plugs this Valentine’s Day, don’t get suckered into seeing this film. Just watch porn and maintain the ounce of dignity you have left.
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