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Super Important Movie Reviews By Some Guy
Transformers: The Last Knight Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
It’s pretty clear at this point that critic’s opinion of the Transformers Series is pretty irreverent. For years everyone has talked about how much they hate these movies and how bad the writing and directing is, yet every time the new one comes out it ends up making over a billion dollars at the box office proving that critic’s opinion means fuck all with these films. So why waste my time talking about the cinematography and the Mise-en-scène of Transformers: The Last Knight when clearly you don’t give a crap anyway. So instead of a giving you a full-fledged movie review, which will be a waste of everyone’s time especially my own, I am just going to give you a list of random things I was thinking about while watching Transformers: The Last Knight…the fifth one if you have lost count. Read More
47 Meters Down Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Anybody remember when Mandy Moore was a thing? No? Well, she’s back with her latest film…because she does movies apparently, called 47 Meters Down. Here’s the premise, and stop me if you hear any red flags. Two sisters go to Mexico…ok, let me finish. Two sisters go to Mexico by themselves and meet a couple of decent looking guys who convince them to go shark diving on a rusted janky ass boat with a shark tank that looks like tetanus is a bigger concern than the sharks. Yep, that’s this film in a nutshell. Unsurprisingly, things go wrong immediately as the shitty boat falls apart and the girls are stuck half a football field under shark infested waters. Read More
All Eyez on Me Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I guess it was only a matter of time before rappers got their own superhero universe as well. After the success of 2015’s Straight Outta Compton, it was announced that a biopic of Tupac Shakur was in the works after years of developmental hell. I guess it’s only a matter of time before we get the biopic of Snoop Dogg and Eminem, this will lead to an Avengers-like super movie accumulating in the Up in Smoke Tour of 2000 (don’t give them any ideas, they may actually do this). If you are a fan of Hip Hop, Tupac Shakur is largely considered one of the greatest rappers of all time. 75 Million albums sold, a successful film career and a lifetime worth of influence on the genre, very few people had the résumé that Shakar did. In 1996, during the height of the East Coast/West Coast rap beef, Tupac was shot and killed in Las Vegas, Nevada at the age of 25. Despite that being the end of Shakar, his story still goes on 21 years later to be told in All Eyes On Me. The film had a tough bar to climb after Straight Outta Compton and all I can say is they should have taken notes. Read More
Rough Night Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I tell you, Scarlett Johansson’s acting career outside of Disney’s Marvel is struggling more than the plot of Dragon Ball Super… Read More
Megan Leavey Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Don’t watch this movie without a fresh box of Kleenex. When I left the theater after watching Megan Leavey, every woman at the screening piled into the bathroom to fix their makeup because they were crying so much. That should tell you what to expect with this title. Read More
It Comes at Night Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
When I saw the Rotten Tomatoes score for It Comes At Night, I knew I was in for a polarizing film because while critics thought the film was good enough to be Certified Fresh with a score of 86%, audiences only gave it a 46%. The film markets itself as a horror film with a mystery, but don’t expect too many answers when it’s all said and done. Read More
The Mummy (2017) Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I think I am officially coming out of the closet and joining the #FuckDisney bandwagon. Disney has been on the wrong side of my nerves for a multitude of reasons like ruining ESPN, keeping tv shows like So Weird locked in a vault never to be seen again, and finally, I believe they have officially ruined cinema forever. Ever since they started the Marvel Cinematic Universe in 2007, every film studio in Los Angeles now believes that they need to have a cinematic universe of their own and it’s getting ridiculous. When I heard about Universal’s plan at a ‘Dark Universe’ I had no idea what they were talking about. After a Google search I discovered that they plan on remaking movies about classic horror characters from the 1920s so there will be a Mummy movie, a Frankenstein movie, and Invisible Man movie, and even a Creature from the Black Lagoon…this is not a joke, they are really doing this. This is what the future of cinema is now, you are no longer going to watch movies, but a 2 hour commercial for another movie in the same universe that will be released 2 years later. The Mummy which is supposed to be a reboot of the franchise that started in 1999 is also a remake of the 1959 film under the same name. It’s also the film that will kick off the Dark Universe, which is the starting point of a massive cinematic universe filled with monsters that haven’t been relevant since the War World II…are you fucking irritated yet? You will be. Read More
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