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Super Important Movie Reviews By Some Guy
Annabelle: Creation Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Annabelle: Creation is the prequel to the 2014 film Annabelle and the fifth movie in The Conjuring film series. Set in the 1950s, a small group of orphan girls travels to their new home owned by a doll maker and his severely injured wife. They lost their child after she got nailed by a vehicle or aka ‘The Fuck You Buggy’. Desperate to get their girl back, they allow a demon to pretend to be their daughter until the demon wants a soul in the house. So they lock the demon in a closet for 12 years and just assumed it would never get out again. Well, it did and now you have 6 young girls in the home with an angry soul collecting demon in the next room you didn’t tell them about…Thanks, Dick! Read More
Detroit Review…Sort Of (Ft. Steven Crowder)
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Warning: Unpopular Opinion Ahead
The Dark Tower Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Whenever a movie withholds their reviews until the day of the release, that’s the #1 sign the movie is going to be terrible. On cue, The Dark Tower didn’t have anything on Rotten Tomatoes until yesterday and it’s currently sitting at 19%. So I went into this film with low expectations. After watching it…it wasn’t that bad. It’s actually decent, flawed, but decent. So I knew I had to put on my renegade cap and go against the grain of Rotten Tomatoes once again to defend a film against harsh reviews. Now I know Hollywood is upset at RT because of recent bad reviews for films like The House, The Emoji Movie, and Baywatch. To that I say, your movies were shit and you should stop making crap expecting the masses to pay for it. But this is about The Dark Tower and why it’s not as bad as advertised. Read More
Atomic Blonde Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Hollywood seems to be going all in on the idea that whatever men can do, women can do it to…no matter how bad it is and how bad it bombs in the box office. Female action movies are the current trend, in the span of one week we have a female spinoff of John Wick coming, the trailer for Taraji P. Henson’s new assassin flick Proud Mary was released, and here we have the opening of Charlize Theron’s Atomic Blonde. Now I’ve heard many people complain about this film based on the fact they cannot buy a 130-pound woman beating up men 3x her size, while I do agree to a degree, I’ll leave the science of this film to people like Steven Crowder. I decided to take an objective view on the film and take for it what it is. The result of the movie was…pretty good. Read More
The Emoji Movie Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Did anybody think The Emoji Movie was going to be any good? It’s a film about fucking Emojis for Christ sake. The trailer made me slam my head on the desk. A room full of coked up hipsters during a round of blow came up with this genius idea “Hey let’s make a movie about cell phone happy faces”
*snorts*
BRILLIANT!!!! Somebody give that man 50 million dollar to make that movie!
*snorts*
Even better, let get T.J. Miller to be the lead!
*snorts*
Who the fuck is that?
Girls Trip Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I know what you were thinking when you saw the trailer for Girls Trip…didn’t I just see this movie a few weeks ago with white women? Well minus cocaine, Miami, and 3rd wave feminism…yes, yes you did. Girls Trip is nowhere near as horrible as Rough Night was because I actually didn’t tap out of watching it 30 minutes in. However, you are seeing the same issues with other black films in the past as the writing is styled more like a soap opera than a story. Read More
Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I just spent 2 hours and 20 minutes watching Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets and I still can’t explain to you what the hell I just watched. When I first saw the trailer for this movie, I made the call that this would be the biggest bomb of the summer, at the time of this review, we don’t know if I’m right, but considering this film is the most expensive indie film in history with a $210 million dollar budget which doesn’t even include marketing, they will have to do Marvel numbers to make that money back. Luc Besson, who wrote, directed, and produced this garbage is solely to blame so let’s try to explain what the hell happened with this movie because they as didn’t explain anything themselves. Read More
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