Society Reviews

Four years ago, I reviewed Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, one of the dumbest movies that I have ever seen.

I refused to “turn my brain off and enjoy” and the end result was a film that somehow stayed out of my top 5 worst films of that year. The happy ending of the movie was a clone girl who doomed the entire planet because the dinosaurs were clones just like her.

Now that led us to Jurassic World Dominion, a film that takes place four years after that movie, and everything is screwed. But Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, and Sam Neill are back so that means this movie will be better right?

Maybe by default.

This won’t be a traditional review, in honor of my review from four years ago, it’s time for “Society Reviews Random Thoughts While watching Jurassic World Dominion.”

• Opening credits and we get a Deadliest Catch cameo by the Saga.
• MSNBC is back in the movie, I almost forgot this was an NBC Universal movie.
• Lol @ “Now This” & MSNBC pretending to do real journalism.
• So the entire planet is doomed and it’s all thanks to the 10-year-old clone girl…good job heroes!
• Shocker, the government is using dinosaurs for evil means again…haven’t seen this before.
• You guys doomed the earth in the last movie and you expect me to care about corporate profits??
• Oh great, the “Dinosaur Rights” people are back…
• Oh great, Justice Smith aka the screamer is back…
• Daniella Pineda is dead to me after Netflix’s Cowboy Bebop
• Oh hey, the clone girl who doomed civilization is back…OUR HERO!
• So now planet dooming clone girl is an angsty bitch teenager.
• So are we just supposed to “Co-Exist” with giant meat-eating dinosaurs like they are Bears and Wolves now?
• Laura Dern…OOF!
• Even after you doomed Earth, you are STILL trying to hammer home that “corporations are bad”?
• Sam Neill is aged incredibly over the years.
• Food shortages? Is this predictive programming NBC?
• So an evil corporation is responsible for destroying all of the world’s crops and causing a global food crisis…are you guys snitching on Bill Gates? 
• So Biosyn is just Pfizer, right?
• I don’t even care at this point that Jeff Goldblum is in this movie.
• “We must transfer human consciousness”…Yeah that doesn’t sound like some evil New World Order predictive programming shit.
• I promise you that nobody is sliding into Laura Dern’s DM…who wrote that line?
• STRONG BLACK WOMAN has arrived!!!
• I actually really like Dichen Lachman, this film would have been so much better if she was the main villain. 
• We are bringing back the laser dinosaurs again…FFS
• There are WAY too many subplots in this movie.
• STRONG BLACK WOMAN is also SASSY!
• This is a giant dinosaur movie…why do we need giant locusts too?
• For a super evil corporation, they seem to have minimum security.
• So the bad guy is just Steve Jobs, right?
• So we all agree that Bryce Dallas Howard is just a less insufferable Jessica Chastain who actually had a father in her life right? 
• So are we just going to pretend that Chris Pratt isn’t in freezing water right now?
• STRONG BLACK WOMAN likes redheads…THAT MEANS SHE’S GAY TOO!!!
• Sorry, I don’t care for clone girls’ mommy issues.
• So the T-Rex just got punked out like a bitch…AGAIN
• There are far too many characters in this movie.
• This is a dogs*** villain, bring back Dichen Lachman!
• This film is REALLY starting to drag, no reason for a 146-minute runtime.
• A pointless T-Rex fight commences.
• This ending is hammy as s***
• So really NOTHING changed from the ending of Fallen Kingdom to the ending of this movie, it was all pointless.
• Here come this “co-exist” bulls*** again…please don’t make another one of these.

Final Thoughts: This film was nowhere near as awful as Fallen Kingdom, but it also wasn’t good either. Too long, too many characters, too many subplots. Jurassic World Dominion is a bloated mess that is nothing more than a cash grab.

 

2/5

 

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