When it comes to the Transformers movies, we need to address the elephant in the room.
Has there ever been a good Transformers movie?
Now everyone’s going to be quick to say that the first one was pretty good but after 16 years, I doubt that film holds up as well many think. Others will say that ‘Bumblebee’ was a good movie when in reality, it was a good movie compared to the other horrible Transformers movies.
Every time a new Transformers movie gets announced, you can guarantee that it’s going to be two and a half hours of an absolute slog in the movie theater. People still go to because they can’t disconnect their childhood from the 1980s.
What makes this film any different than all the others?
There’s no Shia LaBeouf, there’s no Mark Wahlberg, but why should anyone care about this new Transformers movie? Hollywood has the answer, spoiler alert: it’s diversity. Because that’s the one thing that will save these mediocre to downright awful films: diversity, and inclusion.
‘Transformers: Rise of the Beasts’ (because Transformers: Rise of the Antichrist wasn’t subtle enough) is once again going back in time to avoid having to address movies that came before it. Set a decade after the events of Bumblebee in Brooklyn New York during the mid-1990s.
Noah Diaz (Anthony Ramos) is an ex-military electronics expert who was down on his luck looking for a job. Raised by a single mother and caring of a sick younger brother, he figures the only way to make legit money is to steal an expensive car from a hotel
But the car is Transformer that has been stashed away in secret. On the other side of town, Elena Wallace (Dominique Fishback), an artifacts expert at a local Museum is looking into an origin of a key that open dimensions to Unicron, a planet eating Transformer who is hungry for next meal.
Watching a Transformers movie is paying $20 to be held hostage for two and a half hours. Over 16 years since the first Transformers movie in 2007 and the screenwriters still has not figured out a way to make a compelling human story.
This movie has not one, not two, not three, not four, but five screenwriters who copy and paste together one of the most soulless boring films of the entire year. It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that Hollywood is one of the most delusional places on planet Earth and they continue to prove it with every new film that gets released out of that town.
Some people thought haviong a black and brown lead in the Transformers movie was going to make up for the difference in quality that the other films lacked. However, these actors are so flat that nobody cares about their story from start to finish.
You have a Puerto Rican guy who can’t catch a break because the system is against him, a black woman working at a museum fighting with her clueless Karen boss. The only thing that these two have in common is they’re both from Brooklyn.
Brooklyn yo!! Brooklyn!
A city so riddled with crime that if Bumblebee showed up today he would get stabbed and pushed in front of a train. The majority of the screen time is focused on Pete Davidson who somehow has managed to sneak into every film that has been released in 2023 so far.
One of the most annoying personalities at Hollywood has pushed in the last few decades is front and center in this movie and his personality doesn’t go well with the character of Mirage that he represents. If most of you guys were going to buy a ticket based on the idea that you were going to go see the Beast Wars characters for the first time on the big screen, don’t waste your money.
They don’t show up until well over an hour into the movie and their purpose is so thin that they could have been removed and changed nothing. Every Transformers movie is about the MacGuffin of the week that our robots have to get their hands on to prevent the end of the world.
Despite putting a 200 million dollar production budget behind this film, the creative brain trust behind this movie had nothing to work with. Rise of the Beast is one of the most boring movies of the year by far, so boring that there is nothing to talk about because there isn’t anything worth talking about.
The end credits show they’re bringing back GI Joe 10 years after the last one flopped. If you’re addicted to 1980s Nostalgia you’ll have something to look forward to in three to five years when that movie comes out. Until then ‘Transformers Rise of the Beast’ is a film that no one should waste their time with.
1/5
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