Transparency is the most important aspect of being a film critic. People need to know your criteria for what makes a good or bad film. So full disclosure, I do not like almost everyone involved in this film. I don’t care for Dave Bautista, I really don’t care for Kumail Nanjiani, I don’t like the writer of this film, I don’t like the director of this film, I don’t like the cameraman of this film (I’ll get to this dude later), and REALLY don’t like the distributor of this film…Walt Disney Studios which I didn’t even know was their film until AFTER I saw the movie. Needless to say, my expectations for this film were lower than Lindsay Lohan’s bank account and after watching it, it is what I thought it was, crap.

Stuber is allegedly a comedy starring Dave Bautista as a legally blind LAPD officer who is on the hunt for the man who killed his partner. When he finally gets a lead on the case, his blindness forces him to call an Uber in order to make his rounds in the city.  Meanwhile, his Uber driver is desperately trying to make it back home so he can get out of the friend zone for the first time since Elway’s last Superbowl. The two get into some wacky hijinks and…who cares?

I’ll get the positives out of the way, there isn’t much. The only thing this film has to offer is physical comedy. If you love watching people fall down and get hurt, you will laugh a lot at the movie…that’s it.

It only took 5 minutes for this film to piss me off. I don’t know what dumbass watched the opening sequence of this film and thought to themselves “this is fine”. If you hate shaky cam, you will debate on walking out on this film before the opening credits. This was not shaky cam, this was earthquake cam. On top of that the film’s focus was so bad it gave me a literal headache watching it in theaters. I believe Disney basically assaulted me in return for shitting on their product for the last 5 years and I took it personally.

Once the camera began to work the way it was fucking supposed to, the second thing that pissed me off was Kumail Nanjiani. I can’t STAND this motherfucker. Nanjiani isn’t a Beta male in this movie, this bama is a Zeta male. Dude is softer than a wet baby ass. If you were to slap an ice cream cone out of his hand, this bama would cry. Look, I understand that ‘cuck’ has become an overused insult…but this dude literally gets cucked out for the entire film and i’m supposed to feel sorry for the 40-year-old butter soft biscuit who can’t tell a woman who he’s known since high school that he likes her?

No…No pimpin.

And then you have the audacity to use this fish smelling Summer Eve’s model in an attempt to lecture the audience about toxic masculinity?

WHAT THE HELL IM I SUPPOSE TO LEARN FROM YOU SKIP???!!!!! HOW TO KEEP MY BALLS FROM DROPPING UNTIL MY FIRST PROSTATE EXAM???

AND THEN…AND THEN!!!

I READ A REVIEW FROM FOR THIS FOOL (YEAH I SAID IT!) RYAN OLIVER.

THIS FOOL HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY THAT THIS FILM WAS TOO VIOLENT AND TOO VULGAR??

I’m so mad, i’m not even going to on it on this dude even though I should. I was going to give this film a 1.5 out of courtesy but writing this review almost made me madder. Comedy is already on life support as it is and films like this are holding a pillow over its face snuffing out its last breath.

1/5

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