Black Christmas (2019) Review: Who Booked This Crap???

Photo by Universal Pictures – © A UNIVERSAL RELEASE © 2019 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

13 years ago, I watched the 2006 remake of Black Christmas…I walked out within the first hour. That movie had Lacey Chabert, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Michelle Trachtenberg, Crystal Lowe in their primes and I STILL walked out of the theater. Not to mention, the horrible game of rope-a-dope that sucked audience members into theaters with scenes that were NOT in the movie whatsoever. Black Christmas (2006) only made 21 million dollars and barely broke even, needless to say, there was NO demand to see another film from this franchise…so who the hell greenlit another remake and who decided that it needed to be a woke #MeToo reboot???

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Black Christmas (2019) takes place in the Marvel Universe of Earth-9118714. On this planet, toxic masculinity has made college campuses more dangerous for women than the streets of Gotham. Women are forced to navigate their lives around the horrors of sexist professors. Riley (Imogen Poots) along with every woman on campus finds themselves at the barrel of a toxic society of fratboys and rapists. So her sorority sisters decide to publicly humiliate them with an extremely poor song dedicated to attacking rape culture on campus (this is not a bit, stop laughing). Naturally, the manbabies are threatened by the presence of strong women and the girls are hunted down by an army of masked killers. In a thrilling tale of survival, the women must overcome the patriarchy, a world that refuses to believe them, the Time Up Movement, misogynistic white males, and complacent systematic oppression….oh and a killer, there’s a killer in this movie too.

First and foremost, I would like to apologize to the 2006 remake of Black Christmas for every bad thing I’ve said about it for the last 13 years because…

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Black Christmas (2019) is so woke, it’s fucking asleep. I’m old enough to remember a time when feminists at least put the effort to pretend that misandry wasn’t a prerequisite to their ideology but the gloves are thoroughly off. The film seeks to teach young women that every male is a threat and women are under attack at all times. Screenwriter April Wolfe recently said she wanted to indoctrinate girls into a “horror” which is why this is rated PG-13 instead of R. Sorry, but there is no “horror” to indoctrinate here, just borderline ISIS propaganda and even ISIS is more subtle than this.

For the 20 fans of this franchise, this is a Black Christmas movie in name only. The first two movies have nothing to do with this outside of the fact that the plot revolves around a sorority. Considering the enemy of the film is men in general, the filmmakers likely hijacked the franchise’s name hoping that some poor sucker would pay their money based on the title and not the content. The playbook of intersectional feminism is at play here again, the men on screen are deplorable and the ones that aren’t, either die or get used as bait by our so-called protagonist because they are complete simps (aka male ‘allies’).

Photo by Universal Pictures – © A UNIVERSAL RELEASE © 2019 UNIVERSAL STUDIOS

Black Christmas 2019 spends so much time lecturing you about how bad the world is for women, it forgets to be a horror film. The horror is about as scary as a baby playing with a kitten. Remember, the filmmakers intentionally made this PG-13 so more impressible teen girls could be indoctrinated by social justice, a decision that makes the movie an absolute nightmare from an editing standpoint. Progressives will tell you that there is a great ‘timely’ message here but the message is about as subtle as a drive-by shooting, especially in the 3rd act where the film beats you in the head like a Central Park mugger. The playbook tells us that men are dangerous and women need to fight oppression, so if you are a man who doesn’t love this film, you are probably a POS and if you are a woman who loves this movie then enjoy your inevitable future as a wine aunt and/or fur parent.

The fatal flaw of writers like April Wolfe is that they are far more concerned with lecturing than the story. Black Christmas (2019) manages to be the worst film of a franchise that wasn’t good to begin with because it’s a substanceless pseudo girl power flick stuffed with feminist buzzwords. Not only am I giving this a 0/5 but I’m retroactively giving the 2006 version a 1.5/5 because at least that movie didn’t act like they wanted me dead as they were boring the ever-loving crap out of me.




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5 thoughts on “Black Christmas (2019) Review: Who Booked This Crap???

  1. According to Box Office Mojo – or what’s left of it as it’s been bought by IMBd – Black Christmas has a whopping 5 million dollar budget. Which means that it’s rental fee must be 1/10th that of even a low budget movie like “Charlie’s Angels – the Bitter Wahman” edition. The local cineplex is one of those 10 theater jobs that are now totally obsolete but still needs something – even if it’s Sean Penn’s home movies – to fill those theaters. I checked their seating chart for the BC showing starting 1/2 hour ago and it shows 2 people.

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