Editorials Film Reviews

Quarantine Retrospective: Black Christmas (2006)

Before the Feminazi version of this film came out in 2019, Black Christmas had so much nuclear heat with me, it could have melted down a Russian city.

Before the Feminazi version of this film came out in 2019, Black Christmas had so much nuclear heat with me, it could have melted down a Russian city.

There was a 13 year stretch where this was the only movie I had walked out on given how bad it was but the film’s quality was only one portion of the story here.

Black Christmas (2006) is a horror remake of the 1974 original film. A group of sorority sisters are home for the holidays, a home that use to belong to a mentally insane murderer by the name of Billy Lenz. Billy killed his mother who raped him and made Christmas cookies out of her dead flesh. Billy and his imbred daughter now seeks to kill a house of hot sorority girls in order to reclaim what is his.

The film was doomed for the start. First, the director Glen Morgan constantly fought with the producers of the film, good ole Bob and Harvey Weinstein over what the actual tone and script of the film would be.

This led to two different versions of the film being created, one for the US and one for Europe.

Because of this, numerous scenes that were used in the American promotional footage never made the final cut of the film. This included an alternative death scene for Lacey Chabert being dragged through the snow into a chipper.

There was footage of a woman floating beneath a frozen lake. Michelle Trachtenberg aiming a shotgun and saying “Merry Christmas, motherfucker” into the camera before firing a shot along with other scenes that was used in the film’s trailer…none of that was in the film.

Imagine sitting through 60 minutes of misery waiting for the one cool scene you saw in the trailer only to have that character die halfway in…and then the other character with the cool scene you were waiting for also dies.

It was at that moment I realized that I got bamboozled.

The three biggest stars of the film at that time were Michelle Trachtenberg, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, and Lacey Chabert; all three of them die before the final act of the movie. At that point, I was so mad I walked out of the theater as they were setting up the ending and never looked back.

Never did a movie ever felt like such a colossal waste of film, not even a Crystal Lowe nude scene could save it.

Lacey Chabert and Michelle Trachtenberg play the only two characters with any personality

If you were to create a cut of this film that included anything that was good, you would have a 20 minute short film with no plot.

Black Christmas (2006) is the cinematic equivalent of a Nigerian Prince scam, the best thing I can say about it is at least it wasn’t as misandrist as the 2019 remake so for that..1.5/5.

 

 

1.5/5

 

 

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