WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

Look as much as I like Chris Pratt, I can’t defend this idiocy of a franchise. I know for films like this we are supposed to “turn our brains off and enjoy” but you just can’t do that for a film in its 5th installment. There are so many questions I had to ask after watching this film there is no way I can do a formal review for this one so instead here are 36 questions I had to ask after sitting through Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

1. Why is Jeff Goldblum advertised in this movie? He’s literally only here for 1 minute.
2. Why did the guy’s iPad being crushed stop the door from closing? That is a horribly ineffective way of sealing in a Megalodon/Alligator/Dinosaur.
3. If they had helicopters, why did they even need to open the gate?
4. With such resources, why was this extraction so poorly planned?
5. Why in the hell are their ‘Dinosaur rights’ activists in this movie? They have proven to be extremely dangerous to human life after four movies now, this is stupid…of course, they watch MSNBC.
6. How did an amusement park full of dangerous dinosaurs that got loose and killed a bunch of people only get sued for 800 million dollars? They should have been shut down and sued outta existence.
7. Wasn’t there an entire island full of dinosaurs from the 2nd and 3rd film that still exists?
8. Are we just not going to talk about that anymore?
9. Why is this island that is about to blow up so important anyway?
10. If the dinosaurs don’t need our “protection” then why are they fighting so hard to save them from the island that is going to explode?
11. If Dr. Zia has never seen a dinosaur, how is she the only one who can perform surgery on it?
12. Is Franklin Webb only purpose of being in this movie to open doors and scream?
13. Why did Dr. Zia try to protect Owen only to leave him there to die 5 seconds later?
14. If our bad guys left the good guys to die, then why didn’t they just kill them when they had the chance instead of shooting Owen with a sedative?
15. Why is Owen running at the same speed of a giant dinosaur?
16. How many times in someone going to get saved ‘Ex Machina’ style in this franchise?
17. How did Owen survive a 100+ foot fall from a cliff down to the water without a scratch?
18. How is he holding his breath underwater after inhaling volcanic ash?
19. How was the original plan “all a lie” when they actually did save the dinosaurs?
20. Was this teeth collecting subplot only here to justify the dinosaur escaping in the 3rd act?
21. How many people have to die before everyone realizes we can’t ‘weaponize’ the dinosaurs? We have tanks and drones now, this isn’t necessary.
22. How can a dinosaur survive bleeding out for hours?
23. If the raptor has specially made DNA that is ‘pure’ then how does blood from a T-Rex save it?
24. Why are there no guards watching the most dangerous dinosaur on the whole damn boat?
25. Why would you make the dinosaur cages out stone and not something far stronger?
26. Why are the last dinosaurs of their species only being sold on the black market for 10 million dollars? Seems like a really low ball offer all things considered. I mean even the prototype dinosaur is only sold for about 30 million and it is one of a kind. For a bunch of evil capitalists, you guys suck at capitalism.
27. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU CREATE ANOTHER DAMN DINOSAUR? THIS HAS NEVER WORKED IN THE HISTORY OF THIS FRANCHISE. This plan is the communism of evil plans.
28. How is the Indoraptor being controlled by a fancy gun “Following human commands”?
29. Unironically the good guys’ plan ends up killing more people than the bad guys’ plan, and they are the good guys…what the hell?
30. Did Derek Connolly really add a ‘Nasty Woman’ joke? She lost, get over it.
31. Are you telling me that the only reason the hunter was collecting the teeth of dinosaurs was to give a reason for the Indoraptor to escape and advance the plot?
32. Was the only reason the subplot involving the little girl being a clone to justify releasing all the dinosaurs into the wild? Which was a terrible plan in the first place.
33. I don’t care if the little girl is a clone, this is a terrible idea, why did the writers think this was a ‘good ending’? You just doomed human existence for the sake of ‘animal rights’….WTF?
34. Why are these the good guys? Their plan is just as stupid and dangerous as the villains.
35. So the Mosasaurus getting loose at the beginning of the film had nothing to do with the plot what so ever huh?
36. Oh god, there is going to be a 6th film, isn’t it?

This film is far too stupid to turn your brain off and enjoy, probably the worse one of the entire series.

0/5

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