Eternals Review: A Long Boring Lecture On Humanity…But It’s Diverse!

If you thought superhero movies died about 4 years ago, you are right. That hasn’t stopped Hollywood from producing more soulless superhero films for you to consume. 

Marvel Studios

As most people worry about where their next paycheck is coming, Disney is back with a new group of superheroes that they hope you will care about. No, it’s not Ironman, Captain America, or Thor…hell it’s not even the talking raccoon from the Chris Pratt films. 

The Eternals may be a force to be reckoned with in the comic books but in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Disney relegates them to nothing more than the diversity Power Rangers in their latest superhero film that is just as mediocre as the rest of their catalog.

“Eternals” takes place following the events of  Avengers: Endgame. After half of the world’s population is returned following the defeat of Thanos. The Eternals who are an immortal alien race created by the Celestials have secretly lived on Earth for over 7,000 years have reunited to protect humanity from their evil counterparts, the Deviants.

Marvel Studios

The Deviants have evolved and become the top predators on Earth which have now reached the necessary population so that “the emergence”, the birth of the Celestial Tiamut, and the destruction of the planet can take place. It is up to the Eternals to save the planet for every single life on Earth is destroyed as Earth’s oldest guardians.

The longest-running cinematic soap opera is quickly running out of ideas. “Eternals” is a pretentious superhero story placed in the middle of Disney’s attempt to pander to woke groups for clout. 

While writer/director Chloe Zhao makes sure that all of the checkboxes are hit in the list of inclusion, “Eternals” provides a criminally boring caper for a runtime that pushes the line at 2.5 hours. 

Marvel Studios

The film provides a big ensemble cast that tries to be funny and quirky as the script lectures humanity about the wrongs in world history. With 7 billion lives at stake, some of our “heroes” question whether humans are even worth saving. 

Nothing like some postmodernism tied to bright lights and big CGI monsters to distract the audience from the lack of a compelling story. The film wishes to be Guardians of the Galaxy so bad but no one including a watered-down Angelina Jolie and out-of-place Salma Hayek has the charm to carry the film like Chris Pratt and Groot did. 

The only hook this movie has is the claim of being the most ethnically diverse in Marvel’s cinematic history. You have gay characters, black characters, Indian characters, Asian characters, deaf characters, even women behind the camera. 

Marvel Studios

If you value non-whites and LGBT behind and in front of the camera because you can’t enjoy fiction without people who look like you, then you will likely make excuses for ‘Eternals’ being one of the worst MCU films in history because you will be hard-pressed to find anyone who can defend this film on the grounds of interesting characters and good storylines.

But hey, at least you get your classic MCU post-credit scene to suck you into watching another film you won’t see for 3-4 years. 




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