Society Reviews

At this point, you are either all in for more “Fast & Furious” movies or you have tapped out from watching superheroes with cars a long time ago. There is no in-between.

Let’s not beat around the bush,  The Fast and Furious saga is hands down the dumbest franchise in the history of Cinema. After 22 years, There’s nothing that I can tell you as a fill critic that will either make you want to watch this film or run away from it the decision is already been made.

Doing a traditional movie review would be a complete waste of everyone’s time including myself. I decided that I’m not going to do a movie review of Fast X,  but instead I will be doing a non-review movie review of the film. Here are a list of random things that I wrote down as I took a bullet for you and watched 2.5 hours of the latest Universal drive fast saga “Fast X”

SocietyReviews’ Non-Review of Fast X

• Jason Momoa is the villain of this film just by wearing that tacky ass suit in the first 5 Seconds of this movie
• Remember when Paul Walker died?  Remember when that was supposed to be the end of this entire franchise? Those were good times
• The body count of Dominic Toretto has to be more than Freddy Krueger at this point, and those are just the innocent drivers.
• We’re basically just rewatching Fast Five at this point right?
• Haha, Aquaman is back inside the water
• Once again we’re starting the film in Los Angeles as if this franchise has anything to do with the first movie whatsoever.

• That’s Dom’s kid? That kid is blacker than Vin Diesel, how the hell is that his kid?
• Here we go, more family nonsense
• Ludacris looks like he’s walking into a time machine after regrowing his trademark cornrows
• It’s sad that this film is pretty much the only source of income for Tyrese at this stage of his life.
• Really? We’re now doing MCU comedy in a Fast and Furious movie?
• Oh my God, just get to the stunts already I don’t care
• The funniest thing about this entire franchise is the fact that they’re still pretending that Michelle Rodriguez is straight.

• Charlize Theron is here better keep her away from children unless you want to end up like her sons.
• Jason Momoa is taking scene-tunary to a new level right now
• Hollywood has tried for 20 years to make sure at least they’re on an action star and it has not worked ever
• This franchise is basically just another extension of James Bond now all right?
• From illegal street Racers to secret agents make that make sense
• I see we’re back to shielding explosions of cars again because that’s totally how it works

• 90% of Ludacris’s dialogue is making him sound way smarter than he actually is
• Oh my God this is just straight up rocket league right now
• When Dom is in his car physics doesn’t stand a chance
• That newscaster has some huge cans
• I’m googling big breasted Italian news lady but I can’t find a name
• Teresa Perillo…and bookmarked, wait is that Brie larson?
• LOL I am trying to make sense of the timeline of these last 11 movies

• Did Michael Bay direct the scene? Why is the camera spinning around?
• The white special agent  looks exactly like the yes Chad meme
• John Cena doing the attitude adjustment in this movie  makes it the third wrestling move we’ve seen in this franchise
• Imagine being Dom’s neighbor, didn’t their house blow up at one point, i’d move
• Oh great more foreign rap
• Daniela Melchior is probably the hottest chick in this film because she’s the only one younger than 45
• This Jason Momoa suit is even louder than the last one
• Jason Momoa is starting to come off as extremely corny

• Momoa is playing three different personalities at the same time. Is he supposed to be menacing is he supposed to be funny?
• Oh give me a break we all knew that guy was dying he’s ugly as crap
• John Cena is on ironically Marky Mark at this point is life
• This film seems to be taking a lot of subtle hits at Christianity
• Even in this movie gas is $7 a gallon in California
• There are way too many characters in this franchise
• Why in the cinnamon toast hell is every studios trying to sneak Pete Davidson into their movie?

• Oh no, the lesbians are fighting.
• Does anyone in this film actually know anything about hacking?
• I knew this movie was dumb going into it but the holy crap is this feel soaked and stupidity
• You know it’d be great if someone actually killed Dom at this point
• MUH FAMILY!!!!!!
• Remember when Eva Mendez was in this franchise those were good times?
• Brie Larson is dead!
• Nevermind, Brie Larson’s Not Dead
• Jason Momoa is basically the Joker at this point right?
• Everything that was done up to this very moment was just so Jason Momoa could find dumb son to kill him?

• If that was the case why didn’t he just attack LA at the very beginning when they were all together?
• Now Jason Momoa was just annoying crap outta me
• Every person who has been a villain in this franchise has come back in the very next movie to be a hero so does that mean that Jason Momoa is going to be a hero in the next movie?
• John Cena is dead,  They will bring him back no one ever dies in this franchise
• Hey look, everyone Dominic Toretto is killing more innocent people
• Does anyone actually die in this franchise?
• I’m sorry didn’t they already do this drive down the dam  in a car stunt before?
• If you’re trying to outrun the gas explosion just use NOS that will solve the problem

• There’s a shocking twist the white Chad meme was actually bad the entire time
• Gal Gadot is back,  I guess the only people who are going to stay dead is Paul Walker and Gina Carano.
• Did this movie just end on a freaking cliffhanger?
• They actually ended this movie with a non-ending?
• We’re really getting two more of these movies aren’t we?
• Oh great, The Rock is back I guess Black Adam and pan out so well did it?

 

The best thing that I can say about Fast X is that it’s 2 minutes shorter than the last movie. Had we had not gotten a soap opera style cliffhanger for it ending, I probably would have been a bit nicer but at this point this film doesn’t deserve any slack.

 

1.5/5

 

 

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