Lightyear Review: These Member Berries Are Better Than Sleeping Pills

Films such as Disney’s “Lightyear” begs the age-old question…what was even the point of this movie? 

Lightyear was certainly made for a reason but it wasn’t to entertain its audience. First, Disney had to replace iconic actor Tim Allen as the legendary voice of Buzz Lightyear because his politics don’t line up with 2022’s average American Marxist. Since actor Chris Evans’s politics does line up with 2022’s average American Marxist, he gets to become the new Lightyear.

Next, Disney focused all of the marketing of the film on the fact that they had a Lesbians in a children’s movie and they were going to kiss at some point. The scene was cut out of the movie until progressives wanted to make a statement against Republicans in the wake of the state of Florida’s Parental Rights in Education bill that bans the teaching of sexuality and transgenderism to children between kindergarten through third grade.

As a result, the film got banned in Republican strongholds like China, Saudi Arabia, the UAE, Bahrain, Egypt, Kuwait, Oman, Qatar, Malaysia, and Indonesia. In response, Chris Evans called anyone who has a problem with the same-sex kiss scene as an “idiot” who will “die off like the dinosaurs” indirectly slamming every Muslim in the middle east.

Slamming your viewing audience over a 1-minute sequence in a 200 million dollar film that no one has even seen yet, that’s a great way to get butts in the seats.  So many extracurricular distractions outside the film, you almost forgot that Disney spend a quarter of a billion dollars on something they wanted you to watch with your family.

I’m here to tell you, save your damn money. 

Lightyear begins in the year 1995, with a young Andy watching a film about Buzz Lightyear in the theaters. Buzz Lightyear (Evans) and his commanding officer Alisha Hawthorne (Uzo Aduba), explore the habitable planet Tikana Prime. The hostile lifeforms force them to flee the planet but Buzz damages the vessel during the retreat, forcing the crew to evacuate in order to conduct repairs. 

Buzz decides to go to hyperspace to test the ship’s ability to get them back to their home planet. After the first test run, Buzz notices something went wrong. His trip to hyperspace took over 4 years despite only being a couple of minutes in hyperspace. With each jump, Lightyear loses more time until he eventually loses everyone he knows. On his final jump, a massive ship has appeared over the colony and seems to be attacking the group. 

After a mysterious stranger helps Buzz avoid detection, Buzz must save the day and help get Star Command off the planet for good. 

The best way to describe Lightyear is a nothing burger. Lightyear is the biggest nothing-burger of a film in 2022. Let’s address the controversy, if you followed the war between Disney and Florida Republicans, you know progressive ideologues working for  Disney wanted the studio to keep the references to same-sex couples in the film. 

There is a 1-2 minute montage where Buzz makes a hyperspace run and each time he comes home, his BFF Hawthrone opens the door to embrace her lesbian lover. This repeats about 5-6 times before the montage ends. Disney progressives were so proud of this scene, they revolted against the company until they caved to their demands and reinstated it. This is the only thing in the film that anyone cared about from a filmmaking perspective.

Everything else about this movie is lackluster and downright a waste of time. The film is full of cheap member berries to the original Toy Story movie that was so far superior to this, it’s an insult to the franchise. For a Pixar movie that cost 200 million to produce, there are no signature animation moments that the studio used to be known for. The animation is dull, generic, and uninspiring. 

This is a film for children but the humor is too forced to get a laugh even out of impressable kids. All of the comedy is based on the hijinks of a glorified B team voiced by Keke Palmer, Taika Waititi, and Dale Soules. The film tries to catch lightning in a bottle with a dysfunctional team of misfits but no one has a character that is distinguished enough to give a crap. Everyone phoned this movie in.

Nothing in this film matters at the end of the day. The setup of Buzz Lightyear is undercut immediately as the film decided to kill off all of Buzz’s friends within the opening act starting the film on a downer pace. Evans is playing a carbon copy version of Tim Allen’s character without the joy or the charm Allen brought to the role. The story isn’t even interesting enough to keep the audience awake let alone invested. 

The best part of Lightyear is a robotic talking cat. That’s about it. 

Lightyear is a film that Disney wants you to spend hundreds of dollars on to take your family to see in a period of hyperinflation and record gas prices (Perils, they themselves support). Needless to say, families are better off staying at home and saving their money.

The only scene Disney wanted you to see will be on YouTube by this weekend, so hold on to your wallets for another week because this film isn’t worth the effort.

1.5/5

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