Marry Me Review: A Poorly Written Hallmark Movie With A Bigger Budget

There are certain films that are released in theaters that I wonder how did this idea even make it past a pitch meeting?

‘Marry Me’ makes more sense if it was a money-laundering scheme for Universal Pictures rather than a film that someone thought was a good idea to make in any era let alone 2022. 

The premise of this film is that Jennifer Lopez is a famous singer (stretching that acting ability J.Lo) and she is getting married to another singer who is literally half of the age (look it up). As part of their big act, they are supposed to perform their mega-smash hit single “Marry Me” in front of 20 million people on social media. The problem is on the night of their big performance, J Lo’s boy toy (Maluma) gets caught cheating on her in front of the world with her assistant.

In an emotionally damaged state, she decides that instead of marrying her Latin lover, she gets married to some random Math teacher (Owen Wilson) who just so happens to be in the crowd. The rest of the film is them trying to force the social media world to buy into their fake marriage until they eventually fall in love for real.

I would say that ‘Marry Me’ reminds me of a high-budget Hallmark Movie but I have literally seen Hallmark movies better than this. We all have heard the story of the poor little famous celebrity who dreams of a normal life. So in order to buy into this idea, the film requires you to go all-in on Jennifer Lopez as an actress…good luck.

But honestly, I can’t throw Lopez completely under the bus because her co-star Owen Wilson looks like he doesn’t want to be in this film either. Wilson displays zero charisma in the role and even the film itself mocks how boring and dry he is. The supporting cast involves Sarah Silverman who hasn’t been funny since…um…um.

Silverman plays Owen’s fellow teacher and defacto lesbian best friend but it’s important we keep those “diversity and inclusion” numbers up which you will see ALOT in this film. 

Most of the runtime of ‘Marry Me’ is just the cast letting Jennifer Lopez know how awesome and empowering she is while she spews out some girl power mumbo jumbo that only sounds good in a Daily Beast article. 

Kat Coiro is the director who hasn’t done a feature film in 9 years and has mostly focused on television such as Modern Family and Brooklyn Nine-Nine. In what screams of diversity hiring, Coiro fails to invoke any quality performances out of her cast proving her direction serves more like a traffic guard than an artistic expression. 

It’s an embarrassment that it took 3 screenwriters to write this garbage. The film is written by people who think middle-aged women using Instagram live are relatable. Not to mention, the storyline is so predictable because it’s been done to death and there is no flair added to shake things up.

‘Marry Me’ is a film that makes Disney Channel original movies look like ‘Schindler’s List’ by comparison. 

Unless you need a 52 year old Jennifer Lopez to be your example that “there is still time”, I’d pass on this film. 

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