Well, that was disappointing. No point of trying to be objective here, I knew this movie was going to be terrible before I saw it, but I was excited to see it. Why? I was excited at the potential of this film being the biggest trainwreck of the year like Fifty Shades Darker. Instead, we got a painfully boring film.

Fifty Shades Freed begins with the wedding of Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey. If you don’t know who these people are yet, Christian is a controlling creepozoid who gets away with being a rapey weirdo because he is a billionaire and Anastasia is an even more boring version of Kristen Stewart. The entire 1st act of this film is Ana acting like she still doesn’t know anything about Christian, the man she just married. “Christian, you own this massive property in the middle of nowhere?” YES…this is the 3rd movie and you know he’s a billionaire, why are still surprised by this? Things happen without structure and in between some weak sex scenes, Ana’s old boss who literally went crazy for no reason in the last film is out on bail and he wants revenge for something, I dunno.

I wanted this film to be funny-bad and instead, we got boring-bad, the worse kind of bad. The reason Fifty Shades Darker is enjoyable was that the writing was so awful, you couldn’t help but marvel at its awfulness. In Fifty Shades Freed, you have writing that is on par with a low-budget drama you would see on the CW or Freeform. The theme of this film is disobedience, Christian will make a demand and Ana will blatantly ignore it. This will lead to either a piss poor sex scene or Christian stomping away like a toddler who didn’t get ice cream for dinner. There is even a storyline about a baby shoehorned into this and at that point, Young & The Restless provides more believable and compelling drama. Three films this series has used to build Christian and Ana’s relationship and it simply isn’t believable. In real life, these two wouldn’t even make it a few more months before divorce papers are drawn and a murder/suicide occurred. It’s just awful writing, but then again, it is not like the source material provided the opportunity for a good moment.

The only chance this film had at being watchable was to go full schlock and they didn’t. They actually tried to tell a story and the story they told is one of the dullest of the year. Maybe it was the fact that screenwriter Niall Leonard and director James Foley tried to tie up the loose ends set up by the source material but that was a terrible decision. Fifty Shades Freed is better than Fifty Shades Darker in the same way Stage 3 lung cancer is better than Stage 4. If there is one thing this series succeeded in, its that we finally have a love story worse than Twilight.

1/5

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