Assassin’s Creed Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

The struggle has been real for video game adaptions since…ever. Video games movies have a terrible track record no matter what the title is. We have seen such failures as Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter, and Resident Evil. Whatever the reason, the monkeys on a typewriter in Hollywood cannot figure out how to bring the world of video games to the big time. When it was announced that 20th Century Fox brought the video game series Assassin’s Creed to the big screen and brought in academy award nominee Michael Fassbender as well as academy award winners Marion Cotillard and Jeremy Irons, the general feeling was that this would be the film to break the streak…nope

Image result for Fassbender Assassin's Creed

Assassin’s Creed begins with a boy named Callum, filming his submission to MTV’s Jackass that they tell you they won’t watch anyway. After almost breaking his own neck, he returns home to discover that his mother has been killed by his father wearing assassin robe standing in the corner like that old man from The Conjuring 2 Trailer. Callum then flees a bunch of black SUVs and thirty years pass. Callum (Fassbender) is now minutes away from his execution, believing he has taken his last breath, Callum is saved by Abstergo Industries led by Sophia Rikkin (Cotillard) and her father Alan (Irons). They want to use him so he can tap into the memories of his ancestors and find the lost artifact, The Apple of Eden.

If you are not a fan of the video games, you are going to have no idea what is happening in this film. If you are a fan of the video games…you are going to have no idea what is happening in this film because of how poorly written it is. The plot so completely confusing that I couldn’t even repeat it to you coherently if I wanted to. The film just moves along for the first 35 minutes before they even begin to give you any exposition into what you are watching. I watched this film with a packed house and even they could barely comprehend what they were watching. There isn’t any excuse for an introductory story to a video game movie being this hard to follow so unless this film had a spectacular ending, it was dead on arrival.

Michael K. Williams is in the film and when he is introduced, he might as well be wearing a sign that says ‘I’m the bad guy’. Callum is trapped with others who gather around like a prison yard but they don’t give you any detail on who these people are or why are they here but for some reason, they are all really mad at Callum because is a threat to the Creed that he doesn’t even know exists. The film’s MacGuffin is something called The Apple of Eden, which is supposed to lead to the end of the Assassins Creed because it is a so-called ‘cure for violence’. To prove how little this film makes sense at one point about an hour into the film, Fassbender’s character says and I quote “What the fuck is going on?”…and the audience laughs. If you need any indication that you have completely lost your audience…there you go.

The film concludes with what you think will be an epic final battle of Templar vs Assassins. Turns out Callum just kills the bad guy in about two seconds and stops the MacGuffin from showing us why the damn thing was so important in the first place. ‘What The Fuck?” is the phrase that you will repeat in your mind while you are watching this film. The script is just poor, all the scenes set in the past are fully subbed, even the action scenes are laughable. At one point, the assassins trapped at faculty plot an escape and all of a sudden the mild-mannered security guards become cannon fodder straight out of a Kung Fu movie and by then I mentally tapped out.

michael fassbender assassins creed movie

Assassin’s Creed is a pure waste in every sense of the word. They waste an entire video game franchise, they waste an arsenal of heavyweight actors by giving them nothing to work with, they waste 125 million dollars paying all these people to be in the movie, and they waste one actually decent chase/action sequence on this poorly written junk. If you were looking for Assassin’s Creed to be the tide that turns the sea of terrible video game movies, sorry to say, you will still have to wait because all this movie is good for is being added to the list of top 10 worst video game adaptions.


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  1 comment for “Assassin’s Creed Review

  1. Jay
    December 23, 2016 at 10:21 am

    I don’t even remotely know the game or why people would care. I like Cotillard but I’m not sure even she could entice me.

    Liked by 1 person

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