When you look at who’s the lowest rung of the totem pole in the world of superhero Cinema without question Sony has to be the lowest on the list. 

There’s only one word to describe the Sony Spider-Man universe…  abhorrent.  Ever since negotiating with Disney in the MCU, Sony has turned out one crap-tastic superhero reform after another.  2017 saw the critically panned ‘Venom‘ movie released in theaters that turned one of Marvel’s most iconic villains into a buddy cop comedy with Tom Hardy. 

Things got even worse a couple of years later with ‘Venom’s Let There Be Carnage‘ which managed to somehow turn a Venom versus Carnage movie into one of the biggest cinematic disasters in superhero history.  just when you think things couldn’t get any worse,  Here Comes ‘Morbius.’  a film that is so bad, that it managed to bomb at the box office twice.

Let’s be very clear, if Sony didn’t own the film rights the Spider-Man there would be a lot of executives at the studio flipping burgers at Jack In The Box right now.  A Cinematic Universe that never got off the ground is trying again to win over audiences with another obscure character from the Spider-Man rogue gallery, this time they’re bringing in Madame Web.

A film that has been in development for several years,  it’s finally out in theaters the movie is so bad that even the actresses involved with it have been subtly burying the movie before it’s release.

After sitting through 2 hours of this film,  Madame Web is a film that deserves all the heat that is getting. The film stars Dakota Johnson as Cassandra Webb, a New York City EMT who lives alone with her cat, doesn’t have any romantic prospects or relationships with anyone who could be considered family.

One day, Cassandra begins to see visions of the future but can’t understand what is triggering them and how she was able to receive them. She discovers that a superpowered villain in a black suit is going around and hunting three teenage girls trying to take their lives. 

Ezekiel Sims discovers that the three girls will become superheroes in ten years and wants to defeat him to prevent that feature from happening.

For a film with an 80 million dollar production budget, Madame Web is the most  Bush League superhero film of all time. Porn parodies and mockbusters have better acting in their films. The first 5 minutes of this film tell you everything you need to know about it. The acting is so bad it’s almost as if the editors accidentally put the wrong takes into the movie and never corrected their mistake. 

The dialogue of this film is abysmal,  early on in the film Dakota Johnson and Adam Scott are driving in the ambulance what a woman who’s actively dying and both actors are treating the severity of the situation as if it’s an episode of Seinfeld.  No situational awareness of the scene that they’re in just complete indifference.

This is a movie that has not one, not two, not three, but four screenwriters.  When asking the question how many idiots does it take to screw in a light bulb the answer is not less than the number required to write a Madame Web film. 

The camera work in this movie is jarring to the point where you can almost see the camera itself moving on a dolly and shaking abruptly.  Not even Rudy Ray Morris’s camera work was this amateur.

For those looking for superhero action to save face, you will be disappointed to know that none of the actresses in this film officially appear in their superhero costumes.  The only scenes that we see of the three girls in their costumes are visions of the future because, in the present day, none of the girls have their costumes or superhero powers.

Audiences are baited and switched into this movie in the worst possible way.  All you are left with here is a film that is so bad that people are going to be giving handwritten apologies to Morbius for all the memes that were created over the last two years.

If Sony Executives aren’t flipping burgers now they deserve to be.

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