Nerve Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

Oh, Millennials…

You never cease to be the poster children of stupidity. If you aren’t spending your parents hard earned money on Kardashian Apps or getting shot playing Pokemon Go; you decide to play an iPhone game which requires your fingerprints and personal information so that anonymous people on the internet can dare you to do dangerous things for money, what could possibility go wrong? A real life game of True or Dare without the truth. If this game were real, it would be shut down in roughly 13 minutes once the 4th high school junior jumped into a tiger cage so they could ride it for $50 followed by getting hilarious mauled to death. Stupid people win stupid prizes should be the tagline but just like a check from Lionsgate, I’m not holding my breath for any positivity to come out of this film so let’s begin the story of a game called Nerve. Read More

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Lights Out Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

Modern day horror movies are just the worst. The days of poor practical effects, bad acting, and video quality you could never seem to get good tracking on are long dead, unfortunately. Ever since the debuts of films like Saw and Paranormal Activity; horror films, in general, have become two notes, jump scares and fake gore. If somehow that isn’t enough to get your heart rate moving then the movie will amplify the sound of a car backfiring at a volume of 15 right when you start to enjoy the sleep you were getting. As far as the story goes, this is not the genre to look at if you want great screenplays. Horror movies are only written for 10 minutes of a plot before all the murdering begins. It really takes a lot to impress me with this genre. The Conjuring 2 was a great breath of fresh air mixing horror, suspense, writing, and acting. It was easily the best scary movie I’ve seen in the last decade that I can remember. However, movies like that seem more like a happy accident given the norm but I did hear good things ‘Lights Out’ so I figure maybe this is the year that the scary movie genre makes a comeback…nope Read More

Ghostbusters 2016 Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

After months of angry YouTube comments and Tumblr posts, the film that nobody asked for and everyone waited for is here. The all-female reboot of Ghostbusters is upon us. Now unless you are a toddler or a millennial who couldn’t be arsed to watch a film older than 2014, the original Ghostbusters was a 1984 hit turned cult classic starring four blue-collar goofs who teamed up to take on the forces of the paranormal and hilarity ensues. Ghostbusters became a staple of 1980s culture, so you can understand why people wanted a 3rd film so bad. However, 30 years later, Harold Ramis died and the dream was DOA. Then Sony came out and said that they will reboot the franchise with an all-female cast and all hell broke loose. Feminist and Anti-Feminist battled for months on social media over who was the most sexist for liking and not liking this idea while everyone else was too busy getting sunlight and exercise to care. The trailers didn’t give people much hope that the soft reboot would prove people wrong but in the act of fairness, I was willing to give this a fair shake, did it prove the detractors wrong…not really. Read More

The Infiltrator Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

The 80s were a much simpler time for society. There was no social media, no 24/7 news channels, no Pokemon Go, no family of useless slags which 25% of the country considered ‘role models’ for some reason, Hulk Hogan, and Bill Cosby were American heroes, and everybody was high on crack…Simpler times. Pablo Escobar was known as the most notorious drug dealer of all time. At one point he was rumored to make nearly a billion dollars a day smuggling drugs into the US. President Ronald Reagan made a career out of fighting the war on drugs and after 35 years, I can safely say that we won that war soundly…However, we weren’t so lucky back in the day and it took good guys like Robert Mazur played by Bryan Cranston (who can’t seem to find a role that doesn’t involve drugs) to turn things and win the war on drugs which leads us to The Infiltrator. Read More

Cold War 2 Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

My personal rule of thumb is to avoid children’s movies at all costs. One because they are difficult to judge and recommend to people inside my age group and two, I’ve officially reached the age where watching kid movies alone in a room full of children is officially labelled ‘weird’. So for anyone wondering why I’m not reviewing ‘The Secret Life of Pets’ or any other kids movie going forward, you got your answer. On the bright side, my ageism towards films allows me to watch a film I probably wouldn’t otherwise. So for this review, I’m taking my talents to Hong Kong and reviewing a Chinese crime thriller called Cold War 2. Read More

Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

Urgh…

The day I dreaded for months is finally here. I finally have to screen Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. For five months, every movie I’ve screened has shown a trailer for this film and after watching it, I didn’t see a lot to look forward too. First off, Aubrey Plaza and Zac Efron star here and after the release of Dirty Grandpa, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates should get negative 5 stars on principle alone. Joining them is Adam DeVine, known for his roles on Workaholics and Modern Family. Rounding out the cast is the only person with an acting career hitting above the Mendoza line, Anna Kendrick, from the mainstream successful Pitch Perfect Series. At first glance, the trailer looked like another attempt at what Hollywood calls ‘comedy’ these days. Forced adult humor, edgy sex jokes, and lots of profanity ultimately failing to hit the mark of funny in all three categories. My early prediction was for this to be one of the worse films of the year…perhaps I was too harsh in my prediction. Read More

The Legend of Tarzan Review

WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.

George, George, George of the Jungle…Strong as he can be…Watch out for that tree! Every kid growing up had that glorious theme song stuck in their heads to the point they considered shoving a drill into their skulls to get the voices to stop, or maybe that was just me. However, the old 60s cartoon holds a special place in many people’s hearts and it’s no surprise why. It was something special about George from his remarkable strength, the legendary name, and the fact he had an IQ of a potato but he was our potato dammit! With so much natural charisma, zany antics, and the inability to duck 100-foot walls of lumber you can imagine the disappointment when Warner Bros announced they were doing a live action version of George’s less entertaining counterpart, Tarzan. Read More

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