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Super Important Movie Reviews By Some Guy
Dunkirk Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
When I discovered the latest project from director/writer Christopher Nolan titled Dunkirk was only 107 minutes long, I was stunned. Usually, his films are about 30 minutes short of hostage situations. It’s odd how he chose his first two-hour film in 15 years to be about the Dunkirk evacuation. For you history buffs out there, Battle of Dunkirk took place during WWII in 1940, the Allied forces in Europe fighting Nazi Germany finds themselves overrun in France and desperately seeking escape. The Germany forces are wreaking havoc on the British and French forces ships with precision air strikes and escape seems to be downright impossible without the help of civilian’s boats and some very crafty fighter pilots.
War for the Planet of the Apes Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
First, it was the Rise of the Planet of the Apes, then it was the Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, now it’s time for the War for the Planet of the Apes. When it comes to this trilogy, my enjoyment has been like a rollercoaster. I thought Rise of the Planet of the Apes was a solid film, even despite James Franco. When Dawn of the Planet of the Apes came out I thought they mixed great action with great storytelling that was carried by the dynamic between Koba and Caesar. When I saw the trailer for War for the Planet of the Apes, I was really 50/50 on it knowing the direction they had to go for the finale…Humans vs Apes. In this series it’s not the humans perspective fighting to survive a planet of apes, it’s the Apes who are fighting to survive the threat of humans. Despite all the attempts to get me to emotionally root against the home team (and trust me they try), it was too difficult to accept the ‘good ending’ to this series would be the death of humanity. Turns out that wasn’t the only thing that annoyed me about this film. Read More
Wish Upon Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
A magic box your father finds in the trash can, promises to fulfill 7 wishes of anything you want…for a cost. Too bad that cost is in Ancient Mandarin so you’ll end up making about 5 wishes before you realize you were screwed 4 wishes ago. That’s the premise of Wish Upon, the newest horror film from Broad Green Pictures. My rule of thumb is that if your lead actor in a horror movie cannot legally vote in the United States, then you are probably going to have a bad time. However, that is not the case here…depending on how you look at it. Read More
Spider-Man: Homecoming Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
So apparently, Sony has to produce a Spiderman film within a certain time period or else they lose the rights to the film character to Disney. So if you are wondering why you are watching the 3rd reboot of Spiderman in the last 10 years, there is a reason outside of a boatload of cash and the Vaio going extinct. Then there was the story of Asa Butterfield, who had the Spiderman gig so in the bag, they were printing out his contract until he started telling people he already had the role before they announced it so they went with their second choice of Tom Holland instead while Butterfield was stuck doing The Space Between Us thus ending his short career. Then you have Robert Downey Jr. who is still spending all the money they gave to him by screwing over Terrance Howard and added him to the film because The Amazing Spiderman 2 was a steaming hot pile of elephant turd, they feared a Spiderman movie wouldn’t sell without Ironman getting top billing (and RDJ getting another 50 million dollars). Add that in with a pissing contest between Disney and Sony, along with the controversy of a 19-year-old D-list Disney Channel star playing Mary Jane and somehow we got to Spiderman: Homecoming. Read More
The Beguiled (2017) Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
The Beguiled is a remake of the 1971 film starring Clint Eastwood by the same name, and that is the biggest problem with the film. The 2017 film is almost a copy and paste of the 1971 film. Three years into the American Civil War, injured Union soldier John McBurney (Colin Farrell) is rescued by a young girl in the woods of rural Mississippi. She brings him back to an all-girls boarding school. The headmistress (Nicole Kidman) reluctantly agrees to take him in until he is healthy enough to leave. What proceeds is a group of young women swooning over their attractive hostage until one night caused the dominos of mayhem to fall. Read More
Reset (Ni Shi Ying Jiu) Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
It’s been a while since I reviewed a movie from China and this time around it’s a film produced by Jackie Chan called Reset (Ni Shi Ying Jiu). The story is about a single mother and scientific researcher named Xia Tian (Yang Mi) set in futuristic China. Xia works for an organization trying to perfect the science behind time travel. Unfortunately, they can only send people 1 hour and 50 seconds back to the past (which is also the runtime of the film itself). After her son is kidnapped by an unknown group of mercenaries, she is forced to hand over the company’s data on the project and save her son from being killed, even if that means going back in time herself. Read More
The House Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
If Hollywood was run like the federal government, then I would be lobbying to completely defund the Department Of Comedy because clearly they are spending entirely too much money and providing very little laughs. It’s pretty obvious that there is a group in the Department of Comedy that believes they know what is best for us and they are going to give us awkward improv, toilet humor, and drug use when all we really want is unregulated funny. Whenever a movie is not screened for critics prior to its release date, it is usually because they know the film stinks and they don’t want bad reviews to affect the box office. However, that didn’t stop New Line Cinema from putting $40 million dollars behind the comedic dud known as The House. Read More
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