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Super Important Movie Reviews By Some Guy
Wonder Woman Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
The movie that everyone has waited for is finally here…and thank God it is upon us because I don’t think I can take anymore whining and complaining associated with this film. If it wasn’t for all the talk about people complaining about armpit hair, vagina only (or those who identify with having a vagina) movie screenings, and the country of Lebanon banning the movie because the star is a former member of the Israel Defense Forces, you would have almost forgotten how poorly the film was marketed in the first place. Wonder Woman is a title that sells itself (at least DC hopes it sells itself), arguably the most popular female superhero of all time after many decades of waiting to finally get a solo film. However, Warner Bros haven’t had the best of luck with their cinematic universe so far, but to be fair, I believe they got too much flack for Suicide Squad last summer. But this is about Wonder Woman and whether or not the film matches the hype, and I can safely say it passes the test. Read More
Pirates of The Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Disney is back with yet ANOTHER Pirates of the Caribbean movie, I honestly don’t remember watching the last 3 maybe 4 films in this series. Who cares honestly, this series is only around to support Johnny Deep’s expensive lifestyle. Read More
Baywatch Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
If I am Zac Efron, I am firing my agent….TODAY. Not tomorrow, not in 3 hours, now! The guy has been in some awful movies recently, especially comedies like We Are Your Friends, Dirty Grandpa, Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising, and Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates. The guy has been in one critical flop after another and if it wasn’t for his chest, Hollywood would have given up on him ages ago. Now he’s back looking to right the ship in the tv to film adaptation of Baywatch. You are probably asking yourself ‘why are they even making a film based on a corny 90s TV Show about women in red swimsuits?’ The answers are money and fuck you that’s why. So let’s talk about the film with two cameos so predictable, the film put them in the opening credits instantly killing any suspense of if they would actually appear in the film in the first place.
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Alien: Covenant Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
When the trailer for Alien Covenant was released, most people were trying to figure out if it was a sequel to Prometheus, which is a prequel to the Aliens Franchise, or if was a sequel to both Prometheus and Aliens making it a reboot of the original based on the prequel. Turns out, Alien Covenant is a sequel to Prometheus and the second installment of three in the Alien prequel series, as well as the sixth film in the overall Alien film series, and third one directed by Ridley Scott…If your brains still function after all that, the series order is pretty complicated. The critical response to Prometheus was pretty split down the middle, but that wasn’t going to stop 20th Century Fox from seeing $$$ in a cinematic universe involving Aliens. Seeing how they don’t know how many years they have left out of Ridley Scott before he croaks, they only have a limited amount of time to squeeze these films out so let get straight into Alien Covenant.
The Wall Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
Short…Simple…and to the point. That’s the best way to describe Amazon Studios The Wall. I forgot to mention brutal because this film’s crippling tension is so great it makes an 81-minute film feel like 3 days long. A U.S. Army spotter Isaac (Aaron Taylor-Johnson) and his sniper Matthews (John Cena), are conducting a counter sniper mission in Iraq. After waiting 20 hours to decide whether the site is clear is not, Matthews is shot by an Iraqi sniper named Juba, who draws US Soldiers to the area to be killed. Isaac is also wounded and with no food, no water, a leg injury and no functioning radio, he is pinned against a small wall with an injured soldier and a deadly sniper he cannot find. Read More
Snatched Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
So I saw Trainwreck with Amy Schumer a few years ago and much like everyone else I thought it was pretty good. However, I think people are finally waking up to the fact that Amy Schumer is a one trick pony and that trick has gotten really old really fast. After she blamed ‘Alt-Right trolls’ for her Netflix comedy special flopping a couple of months back, it will be interesting to hear the excuse for this critical flop known as Snatched. Read More
Everything, Everything Quick Review
WARNING: The following review contains spoilers, I’m telling you now so you don’t pretend to be outraged later.
I almost had to get dragged against my will to see this film, they were giving out free screenings like religious flyers and even then I didn’t want to see the film. Finally, I dragged my ass into the theater and with low expectations I was surprised at how good the film was…to a point, and then it wasn’t. Read More
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